really interesting! i enjoyed this a ton, i like ur writing style a lot, far from amateur. if i could offer some advice, focus more on the base story than worldbuilding.
Ever on and on
I continue circling
With nothing but my debt
In a carousel of financing
Male (He/Him)
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Ohio
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Comments
Regarding the advice, you're talking about the first 2 paragraphs, correct? Also thank you so much for the encouragement!
@KingRaven14 hmm, honestly not sure. Still learning myself. It's an obvious cliche, I guess, but write more. Think it was a combination of aging and practice, but I noticed I got better the longer it went on. Another thing is feedback, which can be hard to get. There's dedicated sites and places for critique and critique partners. Hope this helped!
This is quite relieving, thank you. Feedback being hard to get is going to make writing a struggle because I rely heavily on feedback. So if I decide to keep writing, it'll be a hard path, but I relish the challenge.
I really enjoyed this. I appreciated REM's blend of stoicism and curiosity; a lot of stories with naive characters exploring the world for the first time have them being bubbly and brimming with joy, but the approach you took here was more unique, and fit the story's tone well. He was polite and engaged, but it wasn't like he was bouncing off the walls.
It seemed like that, funny enough, was a learned behavior from Montel. He loved his work and was enthusiastic about it in his own way, but a lifetime of dealing with people's prejudices and having to work around them must have tired him. He made his defiance quiet, where REM's mistake was making it public.
The only thing I didn't fully click with was how REM didn't pay much mind to the origin passing out; he even posited that it could have been a medical issue, aside from being drunk. Maybe if the origin has a prior history of drinking, it would be more plausible that REM would have just brushed this off and left him? I don't think it would be unusual for the origin to be a drinker anyway, considering the world he lives in.
Aside from that though, this was great. It tugged at the heart strings, and the lore was really well developed, too. Great work!
Apologies for just now seeing this. Thank you for the kind words, and even more so for the feedback. I do see what you mean about REM's blatant dismissal of Montel, and I'll be sure to be more mindful of something like that in the future.
Great work! This was very enjoyable. I love how this piece's "defiance" came from being corrupted by the world, in addition to the origin's overbearing presence. If you haven't seen the movie Poor Things, I definitely recommend it! It's a similar concept and it even has a main character who, as pointed out by others, isn't a cheery and bubbly MC who happens to be unaware of the world, but is a curious "creature" trying to learn about the world by any means possible, even when it means defying her creator's wishes. Similarities aside, I like the intentional repetition of pacifism, aggression, and defiance all being "not optimal." This helped push REM's character further into the robotic side of things while also giving the reader a good checkpoint of where their mind was at different points. Good work and thank you for participating!
Sheik13LoZ
This was such a cool take on defiance. That bit at the beginning about learning magic and the normal world together was such a neat idea, too. Combining strengths. I really enjoyed REM's voice, as they discovered the world and were new to everything.
KingRaven14
I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Is there any kind of feedback you might have that could help me write in the future?